Sugar Blue

It's 3am. I'm still awake.

Well. I took a nap when I got home from work (because apparently I'm an old man), but now I can't sleep. I woke up at like 10 and putzed around, finished reading a book for one of my classes, started reading one that's due next week.

I was waiting up all night for this stupid straight guy that I work with to come over and drink with me so that we could take advantage of each other. This has only happened once before, and I'm pretty sure he wants it to happen again because he keeps awkwardly emailing me to hang out. We were never really friends when we worked together (he's kind of seasonal help) so I'm pretty sure he want's to get drunk and handzy. You know.

I keep thinking about the rest of my life. I have no idea where I'm going to end up or what I'll end up doing. I have the huge fear that I'm going to end up alone because I can't seem to hold a stable relationship now - although that might have more to do with me being a 36 waist right now (which, for those of you who aren't gay and in Chicago, is code for an ELEPHANT). I just keep thinking about how I want to be studying abroad next year and how much I just never want to come back.

But then I catch sight of my blue hair again and I wonder if I really can change, and if that'll change the rest of me. Maybe I don't even know who I am. Perhaps I didn't even before I decided to dye my hair blue. Am I to be defined by my blue hair, as society would like me to be, or am I to define myself beyond it? Or some combination of the two? I think a big part of the reason I'm asking these questions are because my style really hasn't changed that much. I still wear sweaters and cardigans, collared shirts and nice shoes. I just have blue hair now.

This is also the real first time I've gotten to experience living alone, without unpacking or worrying about a dozen other things to do around the apartment. So I've been thinking an awful lot.

Whatever. I got to wash my hair today, *and* it looked awesome.

- BoyBlue